Life Is Brutal

Heavens to Mary!

“You know, Tom, I never got a chance to properly thank you for helping me carry my Drugstore.com delivery up the stairs. Those value-packs of Depends aren’t really heavy so much as they are awkward.”

“Oh it was no problem, Mrs. Worth. Any time.”

“So this is your apartment, hmm? I haven’t been in 3B since Minnie Munroe died in it. My my that was a travesty.”

“Is that so?”

“I love what you’ve done with it. Did you paint the walls black yourself?”

“Yes, yes I did. Took me a couple days. Well . . . can I offer you a glass of water or anything?”

“Sorry, what’s that? I was just making a mental note to bring something up at the next Charterstone HOA meeting. So you didn’t use one of the condo board’s approved vendors for the paint job, eh?”

“My apologies, Mrs. Worth, but I’m still not well. If you don’t mind, think I’m going to lie down for a nap. Thanks again for the soup.”

“Please, Tom, call me Mary. Toby does, no matter how many times I tell her to stop coming to my house to exposit the beginning of every new storyline. And there’s no need to apologize. How rude of me to keep you. You get some rest and I’ll be on my way.”

“Thanks for understanding, Mary. I’ll put this soup in the fridge for now. Just have to make some room between the dry lime soda and the salmon squares . . .”

“Tom . . . “

“Yes Mary?”

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Oh no, Mary, you’ve already done so much, what with the soup and th—OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CLOTHES?”

“Tom.”

“Mary, please. I’m a sick man! Are those sock garters?”

“Tom, that’s exactly why I’m here! Don’t you see? I help people. It’s my calling. I helped the recently widowed John Dill win Santa Royale’s strangely well-attended cake decorating contest, and now he’s three thousand miles away in New York City. So presently I need someone else to help. A new . . . project, if you will.”

“But, but what about Dr. Corey?”

“Oh, Tom, Jeff just wants me to be happy. And nothing makes me happier than helping others. Except violently pruning my roses. Goddamn I can’t wait for spring. Anyway, you never come to the Charterstone pool parties. Why is that?”

“I . . . I just . . . is this a hallucination? How high is my fever right now? I need to sit down.”

“Yes, yes, my dear, you sit down. Tom, have you ever watched a show called Game of Thrones?

“What?”

“I need someone to explain this show to me. Is it about Canada? I’ve never quite understood Canada.”

“This is a nightmare.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say about Canada.”

3 responses to “Life Is Brutal

  1. Pop culture?? Riiiiiiight.

  2. Is this what it has come to…Mary Worth helping sick people Mary Worth is like Obamacare… I’m moving to Canada

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