life hack

Those of you who know me may find this hard to believe, but I would like to do something with my life. This last year was one of stasis for me, summed up neatly by a conversation I had on New Year’s Eve:

“This is the year I’m going to do something,” I said to my friend Liz. And as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew. “I said the exact same thing to you last New Year’s Eve, didn’t I?”

“Yup,” said Liz. Fuck.

So in the grand tradition of starting the year with impossible-to-achieve goals, 2013 is the year I’m going to do something FOR REALSIES THIS TIME. Anything. I’ll be damned before I have that conversation again. And I really don’t want to have to stay home next New Year’s Eve because Ryan Seacrest.

How hard can it be to do something? Other people manage to do stuff all the time. My problem is that I keep waiting around for an inspiration, an idea, or an insight worth writing about. But you don’t need any of that stuff start writing. Just look at the Bold Italic!

But: this fucking table.

Don't worry, I've put away the chocolates

I can’t write a Nobel Prize–winning epic novel at this mess of a table. If I tried to work in this chaos, I’d probably end up writing a screen adaptation of the novelization of Liz & Dick. Lindsay Lohan wouldn’t even star in it. And not just because Lindsay Lohan will be long dead by the time I finish my screen adaptation of the novelization of Liz & Dick.

So cleaning up is Step 1. Step 2: winning a Nobel Prize. Well, I guess Step 2 would be finding a dress to wear to the Nobel Prize award ceremony. And if we’re being real about this, Step 1 is stalling with this blog post because I haven’t actually started cleaning yet. See how a messy work environment brings you down?!

But for simplicity’s sake, let’s call cleaning the table Step 1. That would mean that Step 1.1 is, of course, fixing this broken dog toy that’s been sitting on the table for two weeks.

I can stop the bleeding, but I'm not sure you'll ever squeak again

Right? Pretty sure I read that in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s in one of the appendices.

It's a miracle!

There. Done. I’ve accomplished something in 2013. Step 1.2 is figuring out what that key goes to. Because I have no idea. Maybe that’s a project for 2014.


2 responses to “life hack

  1. Um, you’ve changed your blog header, written two posts,operated (successfully!) on a rabbit, and thought about writing a book. I’ve worn my pajamas until noon every day and googled ‘how soon can I sleep train my baby’ when I don’t even have an obgyn appointment lined up for the next 3 months of pregnancy, I think you’ve got 2013 WIRED!

  2. I’m glad Dog got his thingy back. I miss Ugliest Tattoos, btw.

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